| Posted: 10 June 2010 at 20:34 | IP Logged
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
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A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror'
‘ No’ she said, 'but I'd suck your c*** for a lawn mower'.
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One of life's great mysteries -
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch f****, IN THE DARK............
but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD F****** DAYLIGHT?
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Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'
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Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there
must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the
bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus.."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are
the three tests?"
"You got to pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
“First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or
less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and
then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he
drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained
to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling,
screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from
bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now...,
where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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An elderly man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to, as she didn't always reply to his questions, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the study. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
"Peter!! For the FIFTH bloody time, ITS CHICKEN ! "
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I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
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Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"
but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?
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Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and
all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"
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My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
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Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!!
Personally I think it's bollocks!!
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They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk sh*t and can't drive!
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Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."
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A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"
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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
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Topic: CLOSED SEASON HUMOUR
